Saturday, October 09, 2010

Sense and Sensuality: advice from the diva (part 2)

Readers, we have such a treat for you during Rekhatober! The reclusive star has graciously agreed to do a question-and-answer column during this month-long blog-wide celebration of her awesomeness. You may not realize it, but over the years she has been instrumental in guiding several of her younger colleagues and has often given great advice to her co-stars. Here are some examples of her past work. (Check out Old Is Gold for part 1.)

An-appam Khair: Rekha-ji, I am a very big fan of yours. Which one of your films should I watch most often?
Rekha: Umrao Jaan. It will make you feel that no matter how bad your life is, it could have been worse!

Cat Reena Coiff: Rekha-ji, I want to be Diva #1 and stay on that position - like you did, for years. What should I do?
Rekha: Darling, for that you need to be a Spice Girl, not a Barbie Doll! This is the country of spices, after all. I suggest you settle down with one of these muscle-bound boys you keep appearing with and leave the masala to less firangi girls.

Beep-ash-ah Bus-u: My lipstick always looks so dull and natural-colored. What’s your secret for stay-put, synthetic-looking luscious lips?
Rekha: You younger generation! No idea about make-up - or anything else! Just add a final coat of the sweat of shirtless young backup dancers. It gives your pout a certain je ne sais quoi - there is no occasion in which lipglass is out of place!



Mad-hurry Dix-it: Rekha-ji, I have a bad case of acne. What should I do to improve my complexion?
Rekha: I suggest a regular routine of mud-baths, preferably with the right partner. Just look at me! One mud-bath and I'm still glowing 15 years later!

Pretty Zen-ta: Rekha-ji, do you have a secret fear? Something that you are irrationally terrified of?
Rekha: I'm always scared that I will run out of hair spray. That's why I always try to keep as much of it as I can on my hair and stack the rest of it in my bedroom.

So-numb Cup-ore: Rekha-ji, I want to achieve a sexy pout like that of diva Piggy Chops. How do I do it?
Rekha: Go to one of our city’s big parks in the flowering season, and try to get a bee to sting your lips. Just follow my step-by-step instructions in this video. One or two stings should do the trick. For a permanent a-bee-stung-my-lips look, I suggest that you start a bee hive in your home; that way you don’t have to run to the park everyday.

Karan Go-far: I’m a single man who’s trying to fight the pressure from friends and family to couple up! How do you keep your ego intact when strangers and aunties constantly chide you to settle down and get married?
Rekha: I tell them I am in love with a married man! Darling, the trick is to never allow anybody to say anything. The moment they open their mouths, start talking about spiritualism and how much you have gained from life and yoga. Promise to teach them yoga, there and then.

Lara Duh-ta: I’ve been trying to copy your wonderful coiffures. How do I do it?

Rekha: Work. Creativity. And stylists. Lots and lots of stylists. Or, if you're on a budget or want a more free-form look, wash your hair and go to bed without drying it. In the morning, just apply a few gallons of hair spray. But darling, for you, I recommend a stunning headpiece to distract from your lackluster locks: a gold turban, a multi-story tiara with dangly bits, or simply a red chiffon scarf to hide the whole disaster.


Ran-beer Cap-ore: Rekha-ji I am a 28-year-old man of happy height and a body worth showing off. I am in love with a few glamorous co-workers. How do I get them to fall for me?
Rekha: Hon, you need to gain weight drastically to prove your membership in your famous family. Any woman with brains knows that muscles don’t last forever, but no woman can resist that famous fleshed-out sweater charm. Eat, drink, and be married!

Post your questions for Rekha (advice only, please - we'll leave the interviewing to Simi Garewal!) in the comments of either blog. Bollyviewer and I will be sure she receives them and will share her answers once the diva has spoken.

5 comments:

Sharmi Ghosh Dastidar said...

This is hilarious Beth. Now off to read Bollyviewer's Part I :)

Shweta Mehrotra Gahlawat said...

Rofl- So love the last one the best- I m cracking up imagining a paunchy Ranbir in his dad's sweaters. fabulous!

memsaab said...

Cat Reena Coiff! LOL at all of it, genius :)

Banno said...

What immense fun! Bollyviewer and you could get Simi Garewal to retire. Happy days! :)

Kanan said...

HEHAHAHAH!! this is fantabulous fun.

ps. last I heard Rekha was looking for two B's (and it's not Big B) with a gun in her hands ;)