Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Sassy Gay Friend takes on Yash Raj Films (with apologies to Second City)

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see the real Sassy Gay Friend on the Second City Network! My favorite episode is Ophelia.)

Meet Chandni from Yash Chopra's Chandni.
She is about to marry one or the other of two completely unsuitable men who seem old enough to be her father.
This fate could have been avoided if she'd had a Sassy Gay Friend.
Get your own at the Sassy Gay Friend Meme Generator!

CHANDNI (looking wistfully out the window of a train rushing towards Bombay) 
Sigh.

SASSY GAY FRIEND (POSSIBLY ABHISHEK AS HIS ALTER EGO IN DOSTANA)
Prances down the aisle of the moving train wearing a conductor's cap
and punctuating his statements with his hole punch
What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?

CHANDNI
Rohit...Rohit broke up with me! He says he hates me! So I'm running away from my memories to the big city.

SGF (skeptically)
Rohit? Rohit. You're leaving your life behind...for Rohit.

CHANDNI
I...

SGF (interrupting)
The man who introduced himself by grabbing your wrist and not letting go even when you squirmed.

CHANDNI
Well, he...

SGF (interrupting again)
The man who thinks it's charming to wallpaper his room with your photos.

CHANDNI
But that's...

SGF (having none of it)
The man whose family thinks you're scum and implies you're a common whore.

CHANDNI
But he's not....

SGF (smirking)
The man who can't even step out of a helicopter without ending up paralyzed?

CHANDNI (giggling)
That's true.

SGF (getting worked up)
I mean seriously, Chands, he spends how much on a helicopter—and rose petals? Without even asking if you're allergic, I might add—and he doesn't even practice his dismount?

CHANDNI (blushing)
Actually, his mounting isn't so good either. 

SGF
Feigns shock, swats at Chandni's arm
You big slut! GOOD FOR YOU! I knew that trip to Switzerland was just a pretext! What a Matterhorndog. Well, you're better off without him. Nobody pulls that "I'm too noble to tie you to my life of suffering" shit on my watch.

Flops down on the seat next to Chandni.
Scoot over, slut. Look, I brought the new Filmfare

Nestles against Chandni's shoulder
and flips though magazine pages
Sweet Fearless Nadia, what did Priyanka do to her face this time?

Flash forward four months to Chandni's wedding to Lalit, an attractive but sad older man who dresses in suits and runs his own successful business. SGF bursts into the room resplendent in nearly-bridal red finery, complete with nose ring, elbowing the groom's mother out of the way and knocking over the pandit.

SGF
Chands! I thought we went over this. What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?

CHANDNI (looking surprised)
But I thought you said....

SGF (angry)
No, Chandni. You're not listening. 

To audience
Sigh. Women.

To Chandni
Sweetie, listen, I know he's a dreamboat and never physically harms you but it's appropriate that the man runs a travel agency because he's packing a lot of baggage, amirite? You do not want to marry someone who's in love with someone else, even if she's dead. Hell, especially if she's dead. Ghosts never have bad  hair days or stay in bed eating bonbons watching Ekta Kapoor shows.

To audience, pulling Chandni's pallu over his own head 
Ugh! And don't get me started on his mommy issues.

CHANDNI (still surprised)
But he's nice to me. He gave me a job. 

SGF (angry)
So we marry him? Marry him? What is this, Bimal Roy?

CHANDNI
But Rohit rejected me!

SGF (rolls eyes)
So what? God, be single for a nanosecond. 

CHANDNI (looking confusedly at Lalit)
He is a little mopey....

SGF
Damn right he is. Come on, Madhuri, aaja nachle your ass outta here. 

They rise and skip out of the room
I tell you what. We'll go home, put on your favorite chiffon saris, sing a sad song in the rain, and then eat a mountain of jalebis. Before you know it, you'll meet somebody new who doesn't set off your daddy issues.

Cut to a mountainside, where Chandni and Sassy Gay Friend do a complicated side-by-side dance routine

SGF (smiling, head cocked to one side)
She really is a stupid bitch.



15 comments:

carla (filmigeek) said...

VERY nicely done!

Nay, dare I say, epic. EPIC.

memsaab said...

LOLOLOLOLLLL!

maxqnz said...

Simply brilliant, I want to SEE this!

Ramsu said...

I tell you what. We'll go home, put on your favorite chiffon saris, sing a sad song in the rain, and then eat a mountain of jalebis. Before you know it, you'll meet somebody new who doesn't set off your daddy issues.

Then of course she goes on and does Lamhe with Anil Kapoor. The girl needs therapy, I tell ya.

Anonymous said...

LOLLLLZZZZZZZZZZ

(Laura) said...

"You big slut! GOOD FOR YOU!" That's my phrase of the day.

JennyK said...

I think you have a hit here!
"Sweet Fearless Nadia" is a phrase I know I'm going to use :-)

Carol said...

Every Rajshri heroine also need a Sassy to call their own!

Shell said...

*bows down* thank you. That is all.

Gaja Gamini said...

Hilarious post that I really enjoyed! I must admit I don´t find Chandni as good as some people claim it to be. It was a pretty average film with gorgeous actress in the lead, but did not utilize anyone´s talent and Rishi´s character was just such a self-pitying jerk it almost ruined the film for me.

vaibhav said...

LMAO!! LOL....'You big slut! Good for you!' Epic!! Reminds me of Delhi belly!! And then 'stay single for a nanosecond'lol

priya mehra said...

good one my dear

Sonia said...

BRILLIANT.

কুণ্ডপর্ণী সম্মাদ্দার said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
কুণ্ডপর্ণী সম্মাদ্দার said...

I approximating the Clip, excellent, Really excellent..