Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Sassy Gay Friend investigates Officer Rana from Kahaani

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see the real Sassy Gay Friend on the Second City Network!)

SPOILERS!

The idea for this week's Sassy Gay Friend is courtesy of Totally Filmi with creative assists from Filmi Geek and s3rioussam.

Meet Inspector Rana from Kahaani.
He is struggling with a burgeoning love for Mrs. Bagchi, the pregnant, possibly widowed woman whose husband's disappearance he is investigating.
This fate could have been avoided if he'd had a Sassy Gay Friend.
Get your own at the Sassy Gay Friend Meme Generator!
Kolkata. Night. Inspector Rana is riding the tram home from work at the end of a very long, emotionally confusing day.

RANA (staring out the window) 
Sigh.

SASSY GAY FRIEND
Enters at the next stop in blue makeup and wearing pieces of the costume for his Bengali regional drag act, Good Golly Miss Kali. Accidentally bumps other passengers with his extra arms as he makes his way to where Rana is sitting.
(to other passengers)
Oops! My bad!

(to Rana)
What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?

RANA (looks up, surprised)
Why are you dressed...never mind. 

SGF 
Seriously, what is all this moaning about Vidya-Bidya? 

RANA (going all soft and dreamy-eyed)
Isn't she wonderful?

SGF (rolling his eyes)
She fills out those cardigans nicely, if that's what you mean. And don't pretend with me: I've seen you reach over her chair to get to the keyboard. Smooth, real smooth.

RANA (blushing)
No no...I mean, yes, but she's so vulnerable

SGF
Since when is vulnerable what starches your uniform?

RANA (sighing)
I just want to protect her from all these horrible things she's determined to find out. 

SGF (rolling his eyes)
I've got news for you, babes, she does not need your protection. 

RANA (frowning)
What do you mean?

SGF
I mean she's killer, and not just because of the doe eyes. I get a distinct whiff of eau d'ulterior motive from that woman.

RANA (thinking)
She is surprisingly good at picking locks, and she never believes me when I say her husband was never here, even when I triple-check....

SGF
Besides, is there any louder and clearer way to say "I'm just not that into you" than being preggers?

RANA
But I don't care about....

SGF
Oh easy to say that now, before you're knee-deep in diapers.

RANA
But...but I think I'm in lo.... 

SGF
Swats Rana over the head with one of Good Golly Miss Kali's arms.
In love with her? Right. This woman who breezes into town, almost literally right into your arms, and to whose side you've been glued almost nonstop ever since? Yeah, that's healthy.

RANA (confused)
But I....

SGF (getting worked up)
I mean seriously, Ra-Ra, you're literally carrying her baggage. It's just all a little too easy for her, dontcha think?

RANA
I have been doing an awful lot of work on her case. And boy did she flip out when she found out I've been working for Deputy Khan. What was that about? He's on our side!

SGF
Does a sassy gay finger-snap to the audience. 
I'm on a roll! Should I get into his screaming mommy issues, or is that just too cruel?
Looks fondly at Rana, then back at audience. 
I mean, just look at that face. Those cheeks. Besides, he might have a gun, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that you do not bring up the subject of mommy dearest with an Indian man unless your ass is ready to cash that check.
To Rana.
Think of it this way: if you move on from someone else's Mrs. Bagchi, that's one less thing for Khan to berate you about.

RANA (shuddering)
He's so intense!

SGF
Steals Rana's police hat and places it on his own head at a jaunty angle.
Here's what we're going to do. You're going to have one last cry with your mother and then write some sad poems in your journal—oh, Kolkata. And then we're giving you a makeoverrrrrrr! Time to rough up that good boy image of yours a little bit. Here's what I'm thinking: 
Claps his hands and squealing with delight.
J'adore a makeover!
They get off the tram. 
Oh and PS, you know what ladies—and certain boys—think the size of your nose implies, right?

RANA (raising an eyebrow)
And they wouldn't be wrong.

SGF
Feigns shock and makes a clawing gesture.
Rawr! You saucy thing! The girls are going to eat you up!

Fast forward a few months to an evening on a lively Kolkata street, where Rana struts along twirling his nightstick as a bevy of Bengali beauties calls after him at every corner, giggling and flirting. Flashing his badge, he makes several successful attempts at his signature "pretend to need to reach something just past their shoulders" maneuver. 
SGF
Sigh. Well, at least I fixed his hair.
To audience.
He really is a stupid bitch.

4 comments:

memsaab said...

Just...EPIC, even though now I know how Kahani ends (I don't care, worth it) :D

Heqit said...

"... if there's one thing I've learned, it's that you do not bring up the subject of mommy dearest with an Indian man unless your ass is ready to cash that check."

OMG, this is the best line EVER. I am laughing so hard.

harvey said...

Put on a warning that it contains spoilers, dear!
Hilarious!

Beth said...

memsaab - :D

Hequit - YAY! I am fascinated by film depictions of mother-son weirdness.

harvey - But I did! It's in all caps at the top of the post.