Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Sassy Gay Friend talks to a Sassy Gay Faux

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see the real Sassy Gay Friend on the Second City Network!)

Meet Sameer from Dostana.
He is about to profess his love for his female roommate, Neha, 
after spending months trying to convince her he's gay and in a relationship with their third roommate, Kunal.
This fate could have been avoided if Bollywood were brave enough to show actual gay characters if he'd had a Sassy Gay Friend.




Get your own at the Sassy Gay Friend Meme Generator! 


Miami Beach. Sameer is eating a foot-long hotdog while practicing his declaration of love to Neha, reciting bits of it out loud and determinedly scribbling in a notebook. Sassy Gay Friend lounges under an umbrella nearby.

SAMEER (talking to himself) 
"Neha, I have something to tell you...." Too clinical. "Neha, for months I have been pretending...." No, too creepy.

SASSY GAY FRIEND
Overhears and marches up to Sameer while fussing with the knot of his hot pink sarong.
What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?

SAMEER (looks up, surprised)
It's time I told Neha the truth, don't you think?

SGF (aghast)
The truth. The truth. Seriously? Why now?

SAMEER
I think she's falling for some other guy! If I don't act fast, I may lose her forever!

SGF 
Who's the competition? 

SAMEER
Abhimanyu.  

SGF 
Abhimanyu? Isn't he her boss? That is so last century.

SAMEER
He's got that whole tragic abandoned single dad thing going on. I don't know how I can compete with that unless I do something really grand.  

SGF (rolling his eyes)
Breeders, ew. Why do you want to be with someone who likes kids? Little monsters, always spilling things on your furniture and making you come home early.

SAMEER (frowning)
I hadn't thought about that. If she wants kids....

SGF
And have you seen his suits? Frankly, I question her taste level.

SAMEER (thinking)
Yeah, I don't really get what she sees in him.

SGF
Besides, have you thought about how furious she'll be when she finds out you and Kunal have been tricking her all this time?

SAMEER
But if I tell her how much I...

SGF 
Love her? Love her? Because it speaks so well of your respect for her that you've been lying for ages—not to mention what it says about your intelligence that you insisted on a farce that, by its very definition, meant she should never consider you romantically?  

SAMEER (confused)
I...

SGF (getting worked up)
I mean seriously, Sammikins, if she finds out you're straight, you'll be lucky to get out of that apartment alive.

SAMEER
She does go to a lot of kickboxing classes, and she has a pretty fierce army of gays at the magazine offices....

SGF (eyes wide)
You do not want to be on the wrong end of a Louboutin and an eyelash curler, believe me. And if you're not afraid of Neha, at least think about what aunty will do to you.

SAMEER (shuddering)
Now that is scary.

SGF
Stealing Sameer's scarf and tossing it around his own neck.
Think of it this way: if you keep up the scam until Neha moves in with Abhimanyu, you get to stay in that faaaabuous apartment. And with Neha busy falling for Abhimanyu and babysitting his little rug-rat, you'll have more time to actually, you know, sleep with women. Remember when you did that? It's not my Birkin bag, obviously, but I hear some fellas like it.

SAMEER (pumping fist in the air)
SWEET!

SGF 
Here's what we're going to do. You're going to burn that scrapbook, let Neha toddle off to her ho-hum nuclear family life with Abhimansnooze, go get a facial, and show some shorties at the hospital what bedside manner and a sponge bath are all about.

They hop in Sam's not-at-all-phallic giant pink convertible, with SGF sitting in the back on the folded-down convertible top, waving to friendly passers-by like a homecoming queen.
Oh and PS, the straighter you act out of the house, the better a wingman you make. When all the boys at Club Sugar see you, they come a-running for a big juicy taste of honey-roasted Sam, and then there I am ready to console them when they realize you're only interested in their beards.  

Cut to the bar of a dark, crowded, pulsing nightclub. A dozen men in pleather pants flock around Sam as he puffs suggestively on a cigar and winks conspiratorially at SGF.
SGF (winking back)
He really is a stupid bitch.





4 comments:

Sonia said...

Haha. Love the little gay bar twist at the end!! :)

Anonymous said...

DYING here! I have husband asking if I'm ok :D

Write a movie - PLEASE!

Maith

Beth said...

Sona - Thanks! :)

Maith - Hee! I'm so pleased. :)

memsaab said...

You have Sassy Gay Friend down pat, my dear :D