Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Sassy Gay Friend talks sense into TMBWITW

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see the real Sassy Gay Friend on the Second City Network!)
 
Meet Mansi from Subash Ghai's Taal
She is caught between a quintessential rock and hard place for filmi heroines: two men who want to boss her around, exploit her, and calcify her as some sort of embodiment of extreme, outdated, and generally not very useful ideals of Indian-ness.
This fate could have been avoided if she'd had a Sassy Gay Friend.
Get your own at the Sassy Gay Friend Meme Generator!

Mansi wears an intricate beaded costume and sits in a director's chair at the edge of an elaborate stage filled with backup dancers. 
MANSI  (fiddling with a straw in her Coke bottle and staring wistfully into the distance)
Sigh.

SASSY GAY FRIEND
Erupts out of a massive formation of backup dancers practicing their routine. Dodges high kicks and flames bursting from the machinery being wrangled by the special effects crew as he makes his way to Mansi.
(pointing in disbelief at the backing dancers' outfits, which just so happen to match his own black velvet one-sleeved leotard)  
Oh HELL NO! The boutique told me this was one-of-a-kind! I am so not shopping there anymore.
(to Mansi) 
What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?

MANSI
Virkant wants to marry me and I'm thinking maybe I should accept. 

SGF (skeptically)
Vikrant? Vikrant. You want to eternally bind your body and mind and talents to Vikrant?

MANSI
Well....

SGF (interrupting)
The man who has ripped off your father's lifelong labors of love for music.

MANSI
But....

SGF (snatching her Coke bottle)
The man who has sold his soul to a corn-syrup-based multinational.

MANSI
He....

SGF (glaring)
The man whose idea of set design is pyromania.  

MANSI
It is a little scary up there sometimes. 

SGF
Momentarily distracted by all the goings-on on stage. 
(stage-whispering to audience)
I can't fault his taste in costumes, though. 

Re-focuses on the problem at hand and turns back to Mansi.
Look, Lady Ma-Ma, all Vikrant wants is to use you, whether for financial profit or for his own deranged Svengali-ish egotistical fantasy. You can do better, and I'm not just saying that.


MANSI (brightening)
So I should go back to Manav, then?

SGF (shaking a spangled headpiece borrowed from a passing dancer at Mansi disapprovingly)

No. Bindu on a biscuit, child, don't you think anything through?
Looks upward.
Oh great Helen above, I'm going to need your help with this one.
Back to Mansi.
I mean, yeah, he doesn't have that creepy bad-touch uncle vibe, but it is not smart to spend too much time with men who want to preserve you as some sort of pure-as-the-driven-monsoon rural-makes-right untaintable source of principle and virtue, don't you think?

MANSI (thinking)
Er.... 

SGF
He's got a bad case of chai goggles. He is soooo not interested in you as a complete, contemporary person.

MANSI (furrowing her brow)
And his family. 

SGF
And remember: stalking does not equal love.

MANSI (giggling)
At least he doesn't have hair on his shoulders.

SGF 
Feigns shock, swats at Mansi's arm.
And how do you know that, Miss Village Belle? 

MANSI (batting her doe eyes)
Well....

SGF
So dish: is it true age comes with wisdom?

MANSI (giggling)
Maaaybe. And Manav might have learned a thing or two while off in the evil vestern vorld.

SGF (clapping his hands with delight)
You big slut! Good for you!
Grabs Mansi's hands and pulls her out of her chair.
Here's what we're going to do. You're going to finish your video shoot—don't give Vikrant any room to come after you on legal grounds. That man is a shark, I can smell it from here. We'll have one last rummage in the costume closets while you introduce me to your gays.
And then we're going out for real drinks. 

MANSI
Tosses the Coke bottle into the recycling bin.
Will there be any normal men at the bar? 

SGF

Oooh girl, I've been dying to set you up. I've got just the fella!

7 comments:

Larissa said...

Hilarious as always! Now I'll be looking for an excuse to say "Bindu on a biscuit" IRL. Also, why have I never heard the phrase "chai goggles" before? Perfect!

Anonymous said...

LOVE it!! So perfect as Always!
-M

carla (filmigeek) said...

I LOL'ed at the early appearance of the Coke bottle.
carla (filmigeek)
http://filmigeek.net

Anonymous said...

OMG I have not read your blog in a looong loongg time..this is hilarious..

Banno said...

When, when, when am I going to be able to say 'Bindu on a biscuit'. Scrumptious. I've often rolled my eyes at Indian heroines and their choices of men. It just never struck me that what they need is a sassy, gay friend.

memsaab said...

I'm with Banno, Bindu on a biscuit made me guffaw :D

We ALL need a sassy gay friend.

BuyLike.in said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.