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SASSY GAY FRIEND
VIKRAM, HARI, and MALA
...What? Did somebody say something?
I've got just one teensy-tiny little question for you all. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Starting with you, Mr. Dainty-Ego Cheats-A-Lot. This woman could not be waving more red flags if she were Chairman Mao.
But what? She is obviously using you to prop up her own feeble existence.
But we're great together! A romantic and a realist!
You are nothing of the kind, mon cher. She's a parasite and you're a selfish bastard.
She is a little distant sometimes.
That is because she is a solipsistic drain on society.
Keep waiting until he comes home?
Hells no! Dump his ass pronto and go find yourself a nice industrialist or something. Or, better yet, go move in with Asha Parekh or Nanda. You girls will have the wildest sleepovers!
But at least they'll pay attention to me if I help out in their affair.
SGF (rolling his eyes)
Yeah, but so what? They'd lavish attention to the chai boy if he was passing their notes. You need to attend to what you love, not what they love. You're a writer? Then write!
All the screenplays I'm proud of get rejected.
Oh boo-hoo! Nobody said it's easy to make it big in Bollywood. You surround yourself with nonsense, you're going to write nonsense.
There you go!
HARI (getting up from the table)
Philistines, I bid you adieu. I have a train to catch.
LUCIA (still making eyes at the nawab)
SGF (stealing her cigarette and stubbing it out angrily)
Lucia. Pay attention. LOOK AT YOURSELF. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.
What do you mean? My life is fabulous.
Oh cut the crap, lady. You are, to put it delicately, a megabitch of the first order who should be quarantined in a kindergarten until you learn some basic human decency.
I hardly think....
No, you damn well don't. You need to take that blonde bouffant of yours back to England where people don't put up with your melodrama.
LUCIA (beginning to cry)
I can't believe you're being so horrible! I've suffered so much for so long....
Those tears are as fake as that so-called YSL you're wearing.
Oh hush, I can totally tell it's a knockoff. Anyway, no one here cares about your midlife crisis. Oh, and on the plane ride home, try to be less loathsome human being for a few hours.
HELEN (thrilled to be appreciated without being groped)
I thought you'd never ask!